Let’s be honest, parents nag, half the time they even admit to it. And when you suffer with depression it can hit you just that little bit harder, or cut you that little bit deeper, and they don’t even realise it, and you aren’t likely to point it out for risk of further cross words.
I know I don’t handle things very well when cross words are exchanged between me and my mum, I close down, I shut everything out and let everything else bottle up inside, I walk away, I bitch, I moan, I sulk, I whine, I sit and stare at the floor and generally exhibit an aura of “Don’t. Just. Don’t.”
My point is, I can be a pain in the ass, but afterwards when I’m on my own in the quiet or shut away in my room I sit there and I get incredibly low in terms of my depression. Almost instantly its a case of thinking about self harming, thinking what I could use, how much better I would feel if I just let out some of those little nagging emotions I’ve been storing away. Its a case of waiting it out when I’m like that. Fighting off the desire and the urge. Proving to myself that this is not the answer to my problems. Its not going to help.
But, its not always like that. The majority of the time parents are a fantastic source of support, even more so if they have suffered depression themselves because then they understand you on a more emotional level; and they can say all the right things to just pick you up that little bit and make the dark thoughts go away for a while.
Although we fight and argue and nit-pick at each other, I know there is no one else I would rather have fighting my corner when I hit a rough patch, my mum is literally my emotional rock, and I would be completely lost without her support. In fact I don’t think I would have survived the first few years of my panic attacks without her, it was so hard to want to get up everyday I probably would have wilted away and just fizzled out. But she kept fighting my corner and bringing me out of my shell and helping me do the things I struggled with. In every sense of the word she saved me from myself in those days, and on my worst days she still does, even without realising it half the time. Because even a hug can make it all seem better.
Slightly random blog this time, just needed to vent some things out where I could read them back.
-artemisofthewild