Medication I Take – Propranalol

When I was first diagnosed:

• 2013 – with migraines and anxiety

Medication I was put on in 2013:

• Propranalol 80mg

When I began these pills it was originally to help with migraines which I was getting everyday at the time; a helpful side effect was that is aided anxiety as well! At the time I was suffering with panic attacks and anxiety chronically, so much so that I could barely get to college to sit my A levels. They really helped my migraines and cut them down to having one every couple of weeks instead of everyday, and I was able to handle more stressful situations. Though, that didn’t last for long.

• Propranalol 160mg SR

Sometime into 2014 I returned to the doctors concerning this medication, not longer because of my migraines it was because of my panic attacks, I was getting incredibly ill because of them, to the point I could barely leave the house and the sound of a phone ringing sent me into a state of terrified hysteria.

After some discussions the medication was doubled, and I was put on a Slow Release version which meant I would take one tablet per day and it would last all day long and release what I needed when I began to panic. I have been on these ever since, I still take them now and they do help, I don’t get as many migraines and my anxiety is kept “somewhat” in check by them.

As with any medication there are side effects, I’ve experienced only a few which I am pleased about, I will list some of them here for your benefit:

• Slow or uneven heartbeat
• Light headed
• Wheezing or trouble breathing
• Coldness of the hands or feet
• Disruption to balance
• Nausea
• Sleep problems/insomnia
• Fatigue

While you may experience these side effects it is always important to remember they may not be linked to the medication, so remember to talk to your doctor if you are concerned.

As for me, I’ve had fatigue, disruption to balance, insomnia and some wheezing – however I am also asthmatic which can be a reason for the wheezing so it may be unrelated.

More than anything I would say the propranalol has been one of the most effective medications I have been put on so far, it has definitely helped with the majority of the issues I was put on it for.

-artemisofthewild

Self Harm

This is a sensitive subject for many sufferers of depression and stress related mental illness, it has a lot of stigma and a bad reputation, and in most cases people around you won’t understand why you do it. They may accuse you of being an attention seeker, or an emo, or they might say cruel things to provoke a reaction in response to scarring or fresh wounds.

For me, self harm wasn’t about attention or image, it was an emotional release, at times when the stress or the depression hit an absolute pique and there didn’t seem to be any other way to escape the pressure hurting myself seemed a better option than hurting someone around me.

My battle with self harm included cutting and scratching, I would say those are probably two of the most well known varieties but there are others out there. I varied in severity, but I can honestly say I never tried to take my own life, I was able to stay away from those thoughts.

Firstly, I want to make it clear, I am in no way saying self harm is a good thing, I am not promoting it or suggesting you should try it as a stress reliever, I would never suggest that. But if you do self harm already or are intending to do so the most important thing I can say is: talk to someone. And if they doesn’t work and you do self harm, try to make sure you use something sterile to prevent infection, that is the last thing you want. Again I am not promoting the idea of self harm, but there is no reason to hurt yourself more than you intend to.

Also, if someone does start bullying you because of scars or fresh wounds, you tell them to go the hell away. They likely won’t understand what you are going through and they will be an increasingly negative influence upon you and your stress levels.

Self harm as been shown to temporarily release stress and pressure in sufferers, though it is not a long term solution, and its not an ideal one either. As I’ve said your best bet would be to seek some advice and talk to someone you trust if you start having thoughts of hurting yourself. If you are in school then see your school nurse, or talk to a teacher you get on well with, maybe even a close friend; you can always turn to your family, or your family doctor, or a family friend. There is always help available to you, you just have to reach out and grab it with both hands.

Now, if you are ready to take steps towards stopping self harm, there are some simple things you can do, but the main one is to find a new and less destructive way of coping with your emotions:

• Listen to music
• Draw vent art
• Write down your feelings
• Talk to someone
• Exercise (if you are into it)
• Have a good cry
• Organise something around you so it is neat
• Squeeze an ice cube for the shock factor to break you out of your mood
• Draw something beautiful like a butterfly or a flower on your skin, to remind you that there are good things in life
• Find a way to avoid your stress triggers
• Snap an elastic band against your skin

In the end it is about finding something new that works for you, and helps you in the same way self harming did. For me it was drawing; listening to music and snapping an elastic band against my skin, depending on my levels of stress. And I can happily say I have not self harmed for nearly 6 months now.

So if you find yourself in this situation, try to find someone to help you or use one of the suggestions above to break out of that way of thinking. It might not work right away but after a few tries it should start easing things for you. So give it a go, and remember you are not alone and there is always help available.

-Artemisofthewild

Mental Illness Is Stealthy

Mental illness is stealthy, it sneaks up on you from the the very back of your mind and slowly takes over until that shadow is everywhere.

• I don’t want do homework
• I don’t want do chores
• I don’t want go to school
• I don’t want hang out with my friends
• I don’t want to go out
• I don’t want to have fun
• I don’t want to eat/I want to eat all the time
• I don’t want to get dressed
• I don’t want to get out of bed
• I don’t want to wake up
• I don’t want to live

It starts so small, and it can start at any time, at first you probably won’t even realise why you feel so crap. You might think you’ve got a cold or a bug that is making you feel rough, but as time goes on your feelings don’t change and they get worse, and you start to just live with it without wondering what’s going on; it becomes part of daily life. Sometimes the only way you realise is because someone else sees it in you. But even then, you might not believe it. Denial. Fear. You start to wonder what people will think, will they judge you, think you’re weak?

In my opinion there are few things braver in daily life than admitting you need some help, and then seeking that help. Just remember to rely on your friends and your family, and finally the negative “I don’t want to” will turn into “I want to” and things will start to get better.

There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes it just takes a little longer to see it.

-Artemisofthewild

Insomnia

I started my medication again today after a week long break and damn I can’t sleep. This is definitely one of my pet peeves about my meds, I love my sleep, but it’s just not happening. 1:30am and the clock is just staring at me. Endlessly. Damn annoying.

I guess I have something to be happy about though, I’m getting my hair done tomorrow/today, I’m going to have a trim and my colours freshened up, I also want to try and get this “peacock” dye style that’s around at the moment. My hair is already blue right now so it should make a good base for it I hope. And I can get 40 winks while I’m waiting for the colour to set haha!

Today has been kind of hard though, I guess where my meds have been trying to restabilize my moods I’ve been pretty up and down. I bought us a new television for the flat we recently moved into and I was trying to fit the stand onto the bottom when we got home from shopping… And you know, I couldn’t do it and it made me so mad and so sad at the same time. I just wanted to cry and crawl into my bed and hide for the rest of the day. I didn’t though. I was pretty moody with mum but she understood after I apologised. And I got through it, I ended up having to have a nap because I got knocked of my feet by a sudden burst of fatigue, but otherwise it wasn’t so bad. Hopefully tomorrow/today will be better.

Or it would be better if I could get some damned sleep *sigh*

-artemisofthewild

Medication I Take – Fluoxetine

When I was first diagnosed:

• 2013

Medication I was put on in 2014:

• Fluoxetine 20mg

Upon meeting the mental health nurse – a lovely Irish guy who looked scarily like my dad – he spoke with his boss and they decided to change my medication because I clearly wasn’t getting the help I needed from the Citalopram. Fluoxetine is used to treat a variety of illnesses such as: Depression, bulimia, OCD, and many others. It works by affecting the chemicals in the brain which are unbalanced and causing the illness you’re being treated for. 

As with citalopram I have experienced many side effects which had effected my day to day life, I’ve had hallucinations; palpitations; sweating; insomnia; vivid dreams; anxiety; yawning; fatigue; loss of appetite; hot flushes; dry mouth; stuffy nose and hay-fever/flu like symptoms; and a few others I can’t think of at the moment. 

But, despite the increase of side effects I have found that the fluoxetine has HELPED a little more than my previous antidepressants; I felt some elevation in my mood and I was able to control my low moods easier. While I still needed naps during the day I did have a little more energy and I wanted to do things around the house. I started wanting to tidy up, I wanted to cook and make hot drinks for my mum. Many things I jut couldn’t be bothered with before.

I’m still taking fluoxetine currently, though as discussed in a different blog I’ve had to experience a week without them against my will, and it has been a hard week! But they have definitely helped, I’m not 100% in fact I would say most days I am only about 40% but that’s better than I was before. Now that things are calming down after moving house I intend to get booked in to see a councillor as well, and try to get all the help I need.

-artemisofthewild

Going Without Medication

I recently moved house with my mum, it was a stressful ordeal because our removal men lost/threw away nearly 50 possessions that were supposed to come with us, and on top of that we nearly lost 2 of our cats within a week of moving.

Because of the move we had to leave our old doctor’s surgery with the plan of joining a new one as soon as we could, but because of various problems like mum having to go into hospital and her being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis our plans were delayed.

I’ve gone just over a week without my anti-depressants and my anti-anxiety meds, and I was okay at first because of the left overs still in my system, but today was a hard day, I could barely be bothered to get out of bed, I’ve just sat and done next to nothing, I’ve been moody and sharp towards mum and generally unpleasant. I hate being so mean to her, but I don’t realise I’m doing it until she retaliates and then we just end up sat there in a cold silence.

My meds were meant to be delivered today – an emergency supply of them – but they never turned up, which made me pretty panicky and tense as well. I’m hoping desperately that they will arrive tomorrow, the sooner I can get those pills back in my system the better. I don’t want another day like today. For my sake and mums, I know it hurts her to see me at rock bottom.

-artemisofthewild

AnxietyAlliance

This blog is dedicated to talking about my own struggles with my mental health, in hopes that others can relate and get some information and some peace from knowing they are not alone; I will most likely discuss my medication, what it is for and what sort of side effects I get from it; my coping mechanisms; my triggers and generally trying to spread the word more about anxiety and mental health illnesses that some people still want to try to ignore.

-artemisofthewild